A quick glance at the calendar yesterday informed me that this site is now officially a toddler, 1-year-old! On one hand it feels like last week when I bundled up my first bunch of reviews, but on the other, it feels like I’ve spent a lifetime sitting at my laptop writing posts, reading my blogroll, surfing tags and thinking about comments.

I’d like to say a massive Thank You to all the regular (and passing) readers that keep my stats up, read my boring posts and offer up their insightful opinions… the site would probably still be here without you all, but it would be hella boring!!

Also, to keep the site fresh, if anyone would like to guest post, collaborate, start an event, or just get in touch leave a comment or drop me an e-mail:

A few facts about the site:

• 222 Film reviews, 19 Blu Ray Reviews, 11 TV Shows, 5 Short Films, 5 Features and 3 Genius or Arse debates.
• Most read posts are: Genius or Arse 1, Art Race, Hell Ride, Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus, Kick-Ass & The Good, The Bad, The Weird.
• Most frequent search terms: Tits, Horror B Movies Tits, One Day Removals, Art Race, Upskirt, Bart Simpsons Willy, Headshot, Revolutionary Road Tits.

I’ve loved every minute, every post and reading everyone else’s posts.

For today, and because I’m a sweary Scotsman, I’ll leave you with this amazing compilation [Video after the jump]

Here’s to another year,

Cheers!

Marshall from Marshall and the Movies has recently been putting a lot of work into his Origins Project, which aims to dig out all of our skeletons get to the bottom of why a bunch of movie bloggers got round to starting their beloved sites. The latest installment focuses on none other than Paragraph Film Reviews, so if you want to know a bit more about this site, and your author, click here to read the full, uncensored, interview with lots of naked pictures.

Be sure to navigate around the rest of the site as Marshall is one of those guys that puts a lot of time and effort into making his content interesting & readable – there’s something for everyone there!

Because one massive blogging meme just isn’t enough, Marc from Go See Talk took it upon himself to herd cats and get another on the go. This time, it’s about the films that really got us into the movies, and that have ultimately shaped our tastes into what they are today. To find out what everyone else wrote, here’s the master list.

As a nipper, the only surefire way to shut me up for a couple of hours was to plonk me in front of a telly, put on a VHS (those were the days!) and let cinema work its magic. Luckily for me, although my mum and grandad never had as big a collection theirs kicked arse, lots of arse. Below are a few of the films that got me into four of my favourite genres:

Action: as a kid, very few things could match the awesomeness of a James Bond flick. The stunning locations, prettiest women, finest vintage and supercars, cutting-edge technology & gadgets, craziest megalomaniacs, and of course – a super spy to match them all, 007. Even thought we know that Bond always saves the world and gets the girl – and no matter how many times they put that formula together – you usually end up with 90 minutes of cinema gold. The Bond films didn’t just change my taste in film, but was a shot in the arm for the entire Spy genre, inspiring everything from Indiana Jones to inception, Austin Powers to Bourne to Mission Impossible… not to mention and a thousand other rip-off movies and scenes.  Despite knowing every film inside out, Bond’s timeless appeal is still so strong that I recently got the re-mastered Bond collection and plan to start a bond-a-thon soon.

Comedy: makes up a huge chunk of my personality, which I can attribute to a healthy diet of classics from a young age. My super mum was forced to watch her Blazin’ Saddles, Young Frankenstein, Airplane! and the Original Mr Bean tapes way more times than I care to think about. Although great gags deliver the chuckles in a comedy film people easily forget that a comedy is nothing without funny characters, and the films mentioned above have some of the best in the genre – Igor, Waco Kid, Sheriff Bart, Striker, Rumack, Mr Bean…  Other than setting a stupidly high bar for every comedy I’ve seen since, these films have helped me mold a sense of humour that’s seen me perform stand-up and play as a self-deprecating comedy singer for years!

- What do you like to do? - Play chess... screw... - Well, let's play chess.

Horror / Zombie: As a teenager my pal Lummy and I went through a spell of somehow convincing our parents to rent us formerly banned and 18-rated films from our local blockbuster (those were the days!). Titles that stick out the most are Zombie Flesh Eaters (The scene when a chick gets here eye impaled on splintered wood will stay with me forever!), original Dawn of the Dead (although you couldn’t go wrong with any Romero flick – King of the Zombies) and Evil Dead Trilogy (This is My Boomstick!). While literally quenching our thirst for blood, guts and gore these titles also kicked off a life-long love/hate relationship with B-movies, video nasties, the horror channel, and the weird & wonderful Vipco titles. Unfortunately this genre is the least consistent because there are an unimaginable number of terrible titles out there… but that’s kind of why I love it.

Word Cinema: last but not least! Despite seeing the odd foreign film here and there my passion exploded while doing a crash course on World Cinema – purely to make up learning credits at University.  One of the assignments was writing an essay on Lars Von Trier’s Europa – the epic and original visual style, imagery and execution made me realise that there was fantastic cinema beyond UK/US releases. The course also studied and screened quintessential Godard, Fellini, Kurosawa, Bergman, Kieslowski, Truffaut and Lang films. Furthermore, the University library had an outstanding collection of foreign titles from the ‘essential’ classics to all big modern releases. I genuinely went through around 3 films per day in Uni, 90% of them were foreign. Even if it does make me sound like an arse, I generally can’t trust people that snub subs!

Honourable mentions must go out to The Lion King, Mary Poppins and The Matrix – all of which I remember watching until the VHS was worn down… those were the days!

Thanks for reading , and remember to check out all the other site’s articles

Cheers!

A trip to the cinema is supposed to be a joyous, escapist experience – we should all agree on this! Unfortunately these days going to see a film has been reduced to something you can only compare to a traumatic mugging.

First off, there’s the extortive pricing for even the most basic of tickets. Above that you’ll have to pay extra for films in 3D, and even more for the Roy Orbison glasses. If you’d like the classic bag o’ popcorn, nachos with fetid tube ‘cheese’, or a limp, lifeless hot dog to compliment your bucket of cola, these edibles make you dig so deep in to your pockets that you have to hold back the tears.

Then you’re confronted by one of the worker trolls in the multiplex, who’ll snatch up your ticket, and grunt / gesture towards a screen. If it’s busy and someone’s in your seat you must have that awkward conversation too. When you finally get to your seat – often stained, sticky and/or broken – you’d hope that you can relax and enjoy the feature.In an ideal world, this would be the case, however, in reality you have to put up with a list of terrible cinema etiquette and bad habits longer than the combined reels for the Matrix trilogy.

Recently two leading Doctors from the Big British Castle – Dr Simon Mayo and Dr Mark Kermode – along with the UK public, diagnosed the terrible symptoms of a trip to the cinema. They formulated a cure, in the form of the Wittertainment Cinema “Code of Conduct”

Thanks to Tyson for doing the groundwork in getting this out there through our blogs.

And hello to Jason Isaacs.

Far from a comprehensive list of last year, below are the Films I watched that are worth another mention.

The Best:

Inception – Original, smart Sci-Fi Blockbuster… bliss.
Jackass 3D – The most I’ve ever laughed and gagged in the cinema
The Good, The Bad, The Weird – Fantastic modern western fun
MicMacs – Brilliant French vision
MacGruber – Slated by critics but was so, so funny
Toy Story 3 – Perfect ending to the best trilogy in cinema
Up In The Air – Clooney and Farmiga in a modern romance
Dragon Tattoo – Stunning whodunnit from Sweden
The Killer Inside Me – Shockingly realistic portrait of a serial killer
Spartacus (TV) – Fighting, sex and swearing; great trash telly
Luther (TV) – Brilliant UK detective show, a la HBO

Stinkers:

We are what we are – a boring horror film about cannibals!
Somewhere – utterly ridiculous non-film
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps – But I almost did…
Warrior’s Way – Ninjas & Cowboys done so wrongly
Hornet’s Nest – Not a terrible film, but nothing on the first
Skyline – Derivative alien bore
Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus – so bad it’s bad!

Best of the rest:

Conversations with Other women – Split screen for the duration, and works well.
Hot Rod – Spot on comedy timing
Inglourious – Tarantino’s most mature work
Survive Style 5+ – Eye candy from Japan.
Drag Me To Hell – Throwback horror

So it’s that time of the year when everyone’s supposed to sit down with their loved ones and watch films like Ghost, Titanic, Dirty Dancing, 50 First Dates, Pretty Woman and all the rest. But here’s the thing – your boyfriend doesn’t want to watch these films (unless you’re also participating in Steak and Blowjob Day – in which case, it’s 100% your night after all, ladies)

Sure they can be watching a chick flick, but she better put March 14th in her diary!

For all the lonely hearts, recent singles, jaded couples, sociopaths and Valentine’s day haters – here’s a list of the perfectly appropriate but non-gushy films for all scenarios to keep your heart warm on February 14th

Feeling ugly?
The Toxic Avenger: after a horrifying accident in which he falls into a vat of nuclear waste, a geeky weed called Melvin is left with a mutated body, gammy face, green skin and permanent pink tutu; yet one small act of kindness is all it takes for him to hook up with his dream woman!! They say love is blind, and Sarah is no exception! This my friends is a new-age beauty and the beast with enough manly stuff to keep the vomit down.

Feeing Lonely?
Hard Candy: continually failing when it comes to getting your sexual targets away from the bar and into your bed? This film has all the answers. Opening up with one man’s brilliantly successful attempt at wooing his prey into his castle… watch and learn folks!  Also applicable viewing if you’re worried about an age gap.

Fancy your workmate?
Secretary: Always thinking about bumping uglies with that person across the room? This movie is the perfect example of all the do’s and dont’s of a standard inter-office romance. It shows you how to deal with the sexual frustration, horsing around, bondage bonding with the special one, stain removal and what not to do when sitting on your boss’ chair.

Newly Single?
Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind: find out what it’s like to actually erase your ex from memory… then be glad that you didn’t because your wank bank would be totally empty again!

Rather be with your family?
Oldboy: If this Korean masterpiece teaches us all one thing, it’s that – no matter how difficult or strange your situation is – you should always love you’re family more than anything else in the world… maybe not THAT much though!

Stuck in a relationship?
Saw: Feeling like your partner has shackled you down and is making you miserable? Consider this light-hearted buddy-flick an inspirational piece of how to rid yourself of the heavy chains of an overbearing relationship… yes it hurts, but as we see from the lead character, that feeling of freedom is worth the pain.

Paragraph Film Reviews is now on Twitter!!!  @ParagraphFIlms  – don’t be shy!

#You #can #now #follow #us #for @ExtraBanter #and @MiniReviews @SearchTermOfTheDay and more, all from #TheHorsesMouth….

Some regulars may have noticed a drop in reviews and site visits/comments from my blogroll. This is due to moving house & changing careers in the same month (and watching even more films). While it’s getting harder and harder to write as many reviews as I’d like to, Twitter seems to be the perfect place to rate films that don’t deserve much time!

Cheers,

Paul

This post is part of the ‘Morality Bites’ blogathon started by Filmplicity and Dirty With Class. A list of other articles can be found here and here.
At Paragraph Film Reviews we firmly believe that the filmmaker / auteur / director should have the artistic freedom to put whatever he or she likes into the movie. And by ‘whatever’ I would include nasty stuff like abduction, rape, butchery, incest, murder, nudity, sex, violence, cannibalism, gore… I’m not endorsing (all of!) these acts, but when they’re used correctly, they can push almost any story on to – and even beyond – the next level. A quick run-through a mental list of my favourite films, and almost everything mentioned appears in at least one of them; although I’m not sure what that says about me…
Where the morality issue lies is the use (/context) of these elements. The nasty stuff listed above has appeared in thousands of films, but for plenty different reasons, a lot of which I believe aren’t acceptable justifiable. if it enhances the story, a character or setting sufficiently then I don’t see the problem – and it’s the role of the BBFC / MPAA etc to restrict the audience appropriately. However, if nasty elements are thrown in there purely for shock, gratuity, sexing/hyping the film up a little or just to make the trailer look better, then it’s nothing more than a tasteless insult to the viewer. That my friends, is the moral line that I feel filmmakers need to stay on the right side of, and stray from far too readily these days.
For every film that leverages ‘immoral’ content to its advantage (OldBoy, Dragon Tattoo, Lilja-4-Ever, Goodfellas, Bittersweet Life, Inglourious Basterds, Hard Candy, Killer Inside Me…) hundreds more will simply throw in grizzly bits stuff for all the wrong reasons. I would also apply this position to books, television, paintings, or anything else under the wider umbrella of ‘art’, because what good is any form of art when big brother starts censoring parts?
/Paul

What’s your favourite seat at the cinema, and why?

Anybody that goes to the cinema regularly will undoubtedly become a creature of habit. Whether it’s getting there just in time to miss the repetitive adverts or film-spoiling trailers, buying / bringing your favourite snack (must be a silent one), hogging your ideal parking place, hitting on unsuspecting student staff, sitting in your favourite block, row; or more specifically – that perfect seat. Even the finest critic in the country has his favourite seat, which reassures me somewhat. Here’s where my one is and why I love it.

Position: smack-bang in the middle of the back row, of the flat front section, and here’s why…

• The high seat back blocks out most sounds from the tiered section behind, where everyone else is sitting. There’s also an aisle-length gap between you and the nearest person behind. Bliss.
• There’s never anyone in front of you – unless the screen is unusually busy. This eliminates fidget, hat, afro, giant and mobile phone based distractions in view.
• The screen looks enormous, like it should! What’s the point in sitting in the back row (unless you’re with a hussy!) where the screen takes up the same percentage in your field of vision as your TV would at home?!?! This is the cinema, it’s supposed to be massive!
• You’re right next to the chest-thumping bass speakers underneath the screen, and the Dolby/THX sound design is optimized, coming from the front, sides and behind your seat. Meanwhile the hussy in the back row is only getting stereo sound.
• As all other seats in this block are generally empty, essential toilet breaking is swift and effective, and you avoid the embarrassment of accidental lapdancing.
• You don’t notice when the anti-piracy staff come in and do their rounds with the night-vision goggles – this always distracts and angers me more than it should – install a camera on the roof!
• When the film ends, you’re right next to the doors and don’t have to wait for the token slow-mos to begin their epic descent from row J – swiftest exit in the screen.
• Every wrinkle, hair, eyelash, scar, mole, shadow, surface, texture, button, background, minute detail is there… cinema screen resolution this close is absolutely unbeatable.

The only time this location doesn’t work is for 3D (it’s best to be in the middle of the screen’s height) and the only possible downside with my favourite seat is that people with bad necks or eyes may struggle to last the duration.

Feels like I’ve just given away a trade secret… which leaves me wondering, does anyone else have a preference when it comes to seating in the cinema, or is it just me being a total weirdo?! Feel free to comment, or ping back your own post.

/Paul

This is where you'll find me...

Yet another film review site’s year in review… below are the films I watched in 2011 that are worthy of another mention.

The Best:
Real Steel – hands down, the most fun I had at the cinema all year.
The Guard – ultra blunt, black humor. Gleeson steals the show, but don’t forget about Don.
TrollHunter – captivating and humorous ‘found footage’ about Trolls, with a superb central character.
Your Highness – so good I’ve watched it twice. Swords and tits medieval questing film, with swearing.
Fast Five – despite being one of the worst scripts of the year it delivers the action, cars, babes and guns in abundance.
Black Swan – follows a high-pressure demented dancer. masterclass at both sides of the camera.
Hobo with a Shotgun  - nasty, bloody, schlocky horror in the vein of banned ‘classics’. Perfect homage.
Drive – moody and broody stylized tale of a stoic badass. Bursts of ultra-violence.
In Time – solid sci-fi concept with great execution and plenty ticking clock scenarios.

Stinkers:
The Dilemma – utter stinker of a ‘bromance’, less rom-com and more wrong-non-com…
Giallo – former master of horror gives us a masterclass in shit direction. Made in 2009, not released until 2011 because the star, Brody sued them!
Battle: Los Angeles – loud, blurry, messy, scrappy, shaky telling of an alien invasion. Nice SFX though.
The Eagle – Jamie Bell tramping around the woods for a few hours in a boring Scottish history class.
Faster – about as braindead as the central character. The Rock + Gun – Script – Action = steamy turd.
Bad Teacher – fell asleep, total stinker
A Lonely Place to Die – sloppy and nasty Scottish horror set in the bonnie hills and highlands.
The Tree of Life – WTF WTF WTF WTF, and some more WTF.

Best of the rest:
Infernal Affairs – the daddy of all Asian crime/mob pictures. Never gets old. Never gets boring.
Amores Perros – storytelling at it’s finest, no fancy tricks, just riveting drama.
James Bond January – all 22 spy films watched and reviewed in 1 month. Links to every article.
Black Mirror – prophetic, cutting UK TV Drama about life in the near-future.
The Good Wife – arguably the best show on TV at the moment. Stories, characters, production…
Timecrimes – pre-Triangle sci-fi thriller/horror. Original, clever, not spelled out.
Sleepers – fantastic example of drama and acting making sweet, sweet movie babies.
Alice Creed – Tight, tense drama with just three characters.
Jennifer’s Body – expectation-blasting teen-horror movie, surprisingly dark and funny.
Matador – Brosnan at his peak as the strangest hitman in cinema.

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This guest paragraph review is from Edinburgh-based Rebecca at The Thrifty Chick; a site about  books, travel, music, movies – and everything else.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: finds Judy Dench, Bill Nighy, Maggie Smith and a host of others playing a group of fed up retirees whose desire to avoid becoming invisibly old in the UK leads them to Jaipur in India.  The plan is to age with grace amid the splendour of a luxury campus for “the elderly and beautiful”.  Perhaps unsurprisingly, however, life among the marigolds is not quite the haven of tranquility our intrepid travellers had been expecting.  The hotel is crumbling to the ground, and despite his best efforts the erratic management style of owner Sonny (Dev Patel) is in all likelihood making matters worse.  Given time, however, this hilariously shambolic building and its colourful surroundings find their way into the hearts of (most of) the residents.  The film is a little predictable in plot and at times a touch too reliant on harvesting comedy kicks from a field of well-worn “are we really still doing this” stereotypes.  It did, however, do what I thought was a stellar job of highlighting some of the more emotional aspects of growing old, and it has to be applauded for putting the spotlight on an age demographic that we see so little of in the cinema.  In terms of performance, Dench and Smith stood out as did Penelope Wilton, whose portrayal of Nighy’s jealous, uptight spouse was brilliantly grating.  Nighy himself turned in one of those goofily endearing performances that are fast becoming his trademark.  He does it well, but it would have been good to see him play one of the other strings on his bow this time.  Overall, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is lighthearted and fun, spirited and colourful.  It’s laugh out loud funny but it also manages to punch above its weight in emotional terms.  More than anything, it left me with a real hankering to visit India.  And on that note, it’s off to Trip Advisor…

Score: 7/10

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This one’s about the best of arguably TVs worst genre – and before anyone asks, no, the site has not been hacked!

Despite being comfortable right down at the very bottom of the TV show hierarchy, match-making and dating shows have been around for decades. Circa ‘95-‘05 MTV went to town on the format, producing and broadcasting some of the trashiest TV people could be exposed to at the time. On holiday last summer I stumbled across MTV Spain filling daytime slots with re-runs, and it reminded me of the ‘best in genre’ (and I use that phrase loosely) over the years. These shows were once – inexplicably – my biggest and saddest vice when it came to vegging out in front of the box. It’s difficult to pinpoint why, although I suspect it involves the cringe inducing, dignity shattering, embarrassment of every contestant involved. Here’s the best ones I can remember:

Singled Out:  the daddy of all modern dating shows. A modern twist on the classic blind-date, 1 person works through 50 rowdy potential hook-ups, swiftly filtering by physical characteristics (hair, height, eyes…) and some equally shallow questions. Simple, genius and the chants of “You gotta go, you gotta go!” are ingrained in my brain for life.

Date my Mom: a single guy/girl goes on dates with the parents of 3 potential partners, and must choose one solely based on their experience. Best/worst bits – embarrassing stories, desperate parents, inherent creepiness, and general face-numbing cringe-factor.

Next: A guy/girl has 5 potential partners sitting in a nearby bus. During a date the singleton can shout ‘Next!’ and the current one gets replaced by the next in line. Best/Worst bits – some people not making it to the tarmac, and the last guy in the bus – forever alone.

Room Raiders: A singlet selects a mate by pilfering through their – usually disgusting – bedroom in order to glean an accurate character assessment, as you do! Best/Worst bits – semen stains everywhere, drug paraphernalia, porn and skid marks.

Dismissed: 1 person simultaneously dates two potential partners – at any time either competitor can call a time out on the other for some 1:1 action, the single dismisses the person she least likes. Best/worst bits – some loose lips/hands, skanks, and rampant jealousy.

Exposed: while someone dates two people, their BFF is in a van with ‘lie detecting equipment’, feeding info to the dater through an earpiece. Best/Worst bits – seeing people say anything to get some action.

Beauty and the Geek: (technically not a dating show, but too bad to miss out) teams of ridiculously hot ‘babes’ compete against teams of stereotypical nerdy guys for a big cash prize. Best/Worst bits – seeing two extremes of society compromise and trying to find ‘common ground’.

Non-MTV: Honourable mentions

Dating in the Dark (UK): 3 guys and 3 girls date in a pitch black room, basing attraction purely on personality and touchy feely moments. They each get 10 seconds of light on one pick at the end of the show before deciding who – if anyone – they will wait for; expectations are usually shattered. Best/Worst bits – people falling in love with an ‘ugly’, then turning them down at the last-minute because they’re shallow idiots.

Average Joe (US): A model-esque hot chick has to whittle down potential 18 fat / skinny / bald / ugly / nerdy / socially inept guys and pick a partner. Half way through the season they throw in a bunch of model-esque males, for added friction. Best/Worst bit – watching the hottie pretend to actually give a toss about the normal guys, and get off with everyone!

Take Me Out (UK): 30 desperate women are presented with a guy, and when they get turned off they buzz out of the game; anyone still in after the last round can potentially get a date. Best/Worst bits – blackouts, when the guy gets 30 black lights and shuffles out of the studio to the tune of “All by myself” by Celine Dion, part of my soul dies every time this happens.

I’m happy to report that this dirty habit has been almost been beaten – Take Me Out is still mandatory viewing in my house, but is becoming a little boring and predictable in its 3rd season.

Did anyone else go through this phase? and what’s YOUR favourite dating show of all-time???

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This one’s about one of the most immature, yet enjoyable, movie related games in existence. WARNING: Stop reading here if you’re easily offended!

My friends and I have been playing this game for years now. The rules are simple: take the title of a film and change one of the words (here’s the mature bit) to ‘Vagina’ – when you run out of ideas expand to TV shows / band names  / songs / books / plays… the sky is the limit. When you run out of ideas, time to flick through your TV planner / Radio Times magazine and apply as necessary.

I know I know, it’s ridiculous, immature and stupid but I swear if you kick this game off with your friends it can easily go on intensely for a whole night, strongly for a week, and periodically for years.

Without further adieu, here’s a list of my favourite so far: please, please pitch in with your best shot.

My Big Fat Greek Vagina

Vagina got Fingered

Bill and Ted’s Bogus Vagina

I Spit on your Vagina

Mega Shark Vs Giant Vagina

No Country for Old Vaginas

How to Train your Vagina

The Girl who played with Vaginas

The Girl who kicked the Hornet’s Vagina

Touching the Vagina

How to Lose a Vagina in 10 Days

The Hunt for Red Vagina

The Man with the Golden Vagina

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Vagina

Edward Vaginahands

The Vagina Busters

Fun with Dick and Vagina

Little Vagina of Horrors

Annie get your Vagina

Bang the Vagina Slowly

The Neverending Vagina

Buffy the Vagina Slayer

The Little Vagina of Horrors

A Vaginaful of Dollars

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Vaginas

He’s Just Not that Into Vaginas

Eternal Sunshine of a spotless Vagina

Abraham Lincoln: Vagina Hunter

Furry Vagina

Nanny McPhee and the Big Vagina

My Bloody Vagina

Lara Croft: Vagina Raider

For your Vagina Only

Can anyone better these?

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This one is a letter highlighting my problems with the most unnecessary show on TV – The Only Way is Essex.

OPEN LETTER – The Only Way is Essex (aka TOWIE)

Dear ITV,

Please, please, please stop this show.

For anyone unfamiliar with the current UK trend, we are going through a bizarre phase of regionally specific, ultra-tacky, scripted ‘reality TV Shows’ that rip off The Hills / The City / The O.C. – but remove any traces of high-society, fashion, style and class. The Only Way is Essex (TOWIE) is the biggest of these shows, but we also have the cleverly titled Desperate Scousewives, Geordie Shore, and Made in Chelsea.

Sam Faiers, Lauren Pope, Diags, Chloe Sims

TOWIE lands somewhere between a low-rent Jersey Shore, cheap soap opera, and ‘Children say the dumbest things’ clip show. In fact, it could more accurately be called “Vapid wannabes do the most desperate things”. Most ‘scenes’ revolve around men/women spending large amounts of money pampering themselves; men/women talking about who is texting/snogging/arguing with who; men/women confrontationally shouting at each other; etc etc. Some scenes are actually just women talking about how great their fake breasts are. It’s essentially playground politics with ‘adults’.

Mario Falcone, Jessica Wright, Lucy Mecklenburgh, Two bikini babes.

The so-called stars of the show don’t even register on the talent spectrum – some find it difficult to speak (incomprehensible accents aside) – and most annoyingly, they don’t seem to have worked for fame, so why hand it over? At 26 years old, even I remember when the term ‘celebrity’ used to mean something; athletes, entertainers, singers, actors, comedians – some of whom spent the majority of their lifetime working hard, and being genuinely charming & interesting. Shows like this, in conjunction with the gutter press, have degraded and diluted the word beyond recognition.

Amy Childs - Reem!!

You only need to look at Essex queen Amy Childs to see why shining the spotlight on these people is a bad idea. Once happy supergluing plastic sparkles on to vaginas (aka a “Vajazzle”), she somehow came out of TOWIE on a high, and now there is nothing she won’t say, no TV show she’ll turn down, and no product she won’t pedal to stay in the limelight – her own spin-off show, fashion line, fake tan, and Pot Noodles!!! In Celebrity Big Brother the public voted her 4th, after a gypsy who wasn’t even famous, Jedward (two annoying Irish media sluts) and Kerry Katona, a permanently troubled media personality. Amy Childs genuinely makes Paris Hilton look as smart and eloquent as Angela Merkel.

These people are terrible role models for young and impressionable viewers. Surely there’s a morality issue of letting anybody think that it’s OK to be this shallow, fake, materialistic, self-obsessed, narcissistic, boring, or so aggressively pro-plastic surgery? A decade ago these people would have been rehabilitated on other shows, yet we’re now at a point where they are star material, and put on a pedestal.

Shows like this don’t normally bother me as they’re tucked away on the far-flung channels, however the idiots of TOWIE town are absolutely EVERYWHERE. They get an unbelievableamount of column inches in the tabloids and trashy mags, but most annoyingly they keep popping up in lots of other prime-time panel shows, talk shows, dating shows etc… Their coverage is now so saturated that even actively avoiding them doesn’t work. In case I haven’t made it clear; these people have zero wit, talent, or charm and bring down anything they appear in.

"This show is not real, but we will pretend it is"

My biggest gripe with the show however is that it’s continually painted as ‘real life’, ‘fly on the wall’, ‘documentary’. But when you watch it, everything is so meticulously set up that it’s clearly, 100% staged – the camerawork, audio (perfect sound in a nightclub!), lighting… the only thing that’s not predictable is the cast remembering their lines. And when the people go about their ‘day to day’ lives, all I can think of is “who is paying for these people to live like this?!?”

I could rant about this for hours but the bottom line is that this is simply the dumbest show on TV; the fact that people’s names flash up at the start of every scene (to remind the viewers who is who) really says it all about the show and its audience. It’s so bad that I struggle to sympathise with the viewers, and reckon they should be a little bit at least a little bit ashamed of liking it. Comparing this to junk food is doing junk food a disservice.

Gemma Collins, Joey Essex, Ricky Rayment, Georgina Dorsett

The Only Way is Essex is like the circus freak show has gone full circle, and ITV assumes that the public’s taste hasn’t changed since then either. I love bad TV, I also love bad, scripted reality TV, but shows like this are definitely a step too far. TOWIE provides negative entertainment, education or cultural value. I truly hope that this goes down as one of the darkest hours of TVland. ITV / ITV2 – this joke has gone on for far too long.

What’s your thoughts on TOWIE? Am I being too harsh?

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This guest paragraph review is from Fogs at Fogs Movie Reviews; an awesome review site that generates a LOT of discussion about films.

Searching for Bobby Fischer: Directed by noted screenwriter Steve Zaillian (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Moneyball, Schindler’s List), ”Searching for Bobby Fischer” is an intimate look at the challenge of growing up “gifted”. It’s the story of young Joshua Waitzkin (Max Pomeranc), and what happens when it’s discovered that he’s a chess prodigy. Joe Montegna and Joan Allen play young Josh’s parents, and the two do a great job of showing the pride, anxieties, and inner conflicts involved in raising a brilliant child. How far do you push him? How much time do you have him dedicate to his gift vs a “normal” childhood? As they begin to train Josh and enter him in competitive events, he meets two very different mentors. One is a “speed chess” hustler in Washington Square Park (Lawrence Fishburne), and the other is a very exclusive, private, traditional tutor (Ben Kingsley). The two clash over the boy’s training, as you might imagine, but the true conflict of the film revolves around just how hard a child should be pushed to grow up, to compete, and to hone a killer instinct that might jeopardize the innocence of youth. With such a great cast (it also features small roles by William H. Macy, Dan Hedaya, and Laura Linney), and such a compelling story, “Searching for Bobby Fischer” winds up being a very moving, heartfelt film. It’s sitting at 100% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, Roger Ebert gives it four stars, and I myself recommend it very highly.

Score 8/10

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This here is an excitable ‘review’ I wrote in 2005, trying my best to convince everyone on my local bulletin board that they must see this film.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (aka 力王, Lik Wong, Li Wang)

I’ve seen a lot of fucked up films, but few can compare to the crazyness that is… The Story Of Ricky. Made in 1991, this film is pretty much a genreless gore-fest, everything’s included from comedy to action to crime, it’s all there. Set in a prison in 2001 you know it’s going to be fucked up when the opening blurb is something like

“2001AD, democratic governments have sold everything from prisons to parking lots over to corporations: violence rules” – you see what the commies did there? Down with democracy, and all that!

So anyway, the story’s about a guy called Ricky, I think he’s a pansy, but everyone’s scared of him ‘cos he’s got ‘super-bad-ass-strength’. The very first gore scene is an old guy getting his face re-arranged with a woodwork PLANE!! then Ricky beats this guy up by tripping him up on to a block of wood covered in nails… setting the tone for the greatest film ever made.

So Ricky runs around beating everyone else up in prison, punching through arms legs and even other people’s punches, he looks real tough… but when no-one’s watching this pansy sits in a corner thinking about his dead girlfriend and playing a pan pipe…

So much violent, but amateur, gore – it’s amazing. Must see for horror and gore fans.

“THIS IS THE MOTHER OF ALL GORY FU FLICKS! Plainly amazing, we’re talking heads punched in half, guys using their intestines (hanging out of their body cavity) to strangle Ricky, women kicking dogs in half, people exploding, and internal organs flying all over the place.” – badmovies.org

Punched through the face!

—–

Fast forward to the present and I’ve now watched this film about a dozen times with a whole heap of friends (usually whilst drinking). It’s a great movie for both its insane levels of OTT gore, and the tons of random Asian elements that make these oriental B-movies so endearing.

PFR is marking the 500th post by putting up a bunch of DVD extras this week. This review is from Susannah at Not Really Working, a site that discusses everything from The Apprentice and Twitter to books and the Premiership!

Trishna: If the idea of Michael Winterbottom directing another Thomas Hardy adaptation fills you with fear and loathing, you should probably give Trishna a wide berth. This loose update of Hardy’s Tess of d’Urbervilles, transplants the action to modern-day India, and stars Freida Pinto as a beautiful young woman with lousy taste in men. When hotelier’s son Jay (Riz Ahmed) offers Trishna a job, a rosy future beckons, with financial security for her impoverished family. But the reality turns out to be utterly bleak and – at times – hard to watch. The first half of the film is light on action but filled with stunning photography, as Marcel Zyskind captures the glories of India‘s architecture and landscape as well as the teeming streets of Mumbai. When things go sour between Trishna and the bastard Jay, you’re reminded of other abusive relationships so graphically depicted in Winterbottom’s The Killer Inside Me. I’m not convinced that Pinto has the acting skills to match her spectacular looks, so I became frustrated both by Trishna’s passivity and the deterministic nature of Hardy’s doom-laden story. For a good time, I’d suggest booking a holiday in India, avoiding this film and not packing a copy of Jude the Obscure in your luggage.

Score: 4/10 (2 stars)

Following on from previous guest posts, it’s going to be a more regular feature at Paragraph Film Reviews. This one’s from Franz Patrick over at franzpatrick.com – lots of great, short reviews and plenty variety from the classics, to the important, to the blockbusters. Twitter is here too. Click click.

Creep: Kate (Franka Potente) is psyched to meet George Clooney at a party in London, but she fell asleep while waiting for the last train that’s supposed to take her there. When she wakes up, not a soul is in the vicinity. All the gates are locked. It seems she has no choice but to spend the night. Little did she know that someone lives in the tunnels who kidnaps unsuspecting victims and experiments on them. Because the plot is painfully familiar, one would expect “Creep,” written and directed by Christopher Smith, to be more ambitious so it has something to separate itself from the rest of the pack. Instead, a handful of scenes are dedicated to Potente, whose facial expression barely changes, running around as if she was still on Tom Twyker’s “Run Lola Run.” The moments that lead up to the scares are executed lethargically, the background music appearing and disappearing so predictably depending on the placement of the “Boo!” moment. When it finally arrives, there’s more running and screaming. This interminable loop dominated the first half of the film. The picture might have benefited if the screenplay had eventually allowed its audience learn about the villain. Glimpses of images are thrown at us and we are expected to put it all together. The problem is, aside from the missing critical pieces in the puzzle, while we can force ourselves to interpret the images and what they mean, the answers end up either too vague or completely nonsensical. In other words, we don’t get a sense of uniqueness in terms of who the antagonist is and what makes him so terrifying, aside, of course, from the grizzly violence he’s more than willing to inflict. If the protagonist, execution, and antagonist are the major ingredients in a soup and they lack spice, will the soup taste good? Not very likely.

Score: 2.5/10

A quick break from the norm: Nathan (a.k.a. Bubbbawheat) from the superhero-centric movie blog Flights, Tights & Movie Nights got in touch with some great site-specific questions as part of his Follow Friday project; having been directed this way by the mentally-connected, universally agreeable, movie reviewing, ever-the-gentleman Ryan McNeely from 5-Word Movie Reviews.

Head on over to the interview to if you’d like a little more insight into Paragraph Film Reviews by Clicking HERE – or on the picture at the top of the post. Cheers.

/Paul

This one’s from Bubbawheat / Nathan over at Flights, Tights and Movie Nights;a site that you should most definitely check out if you love superheroes! Comics, TV, Movies and Games – everything’s fair game and no page is left unturned. Like every professional blogger – he’s on Twittah too. Click click

Brave: A Scottish princess with a shock of red hair has a strained relationship with her overbearing mother who wants her to marry to one of the other heads of the kingdom, but she ends up seeking help to change her fate in a way that she would never expect. As with all of Pixar‘s recent movies, the animation is absolutely gorgeous, from the breathtaking scenery to the wild and bouncy hair of the main character Merida. The story isn’t something exactly new however, how many times has there been a princess that is supposed to marry for political reasons while she wishes to marry on her own terms instead. There is a bit of a surprising magical element to the movie which is reminiscent of another Disney movie, which I won’t mention because it would give it away. The comedy is overly cartoonish and slapstick at times, I know I never personally cared for the antics of the three young triplets who generally just caused random mischief in the background. In the end, there’s still a fair amount of heart at the end which you would expect from a Pixar picture, but the rest of the movie felt a lot more uneven. It’s still worth a trip to the theaters though.

Score: 7/10